The following fragment of a short film written by Blod during one of his low career periods (we can pin it no more specific than that) was recently released by his estate. His widow's comment: "Take the damn thing--even the birds won't use it as a bathroom." The fragment, originally written on paper towels, is believed to have further missing pieces which will be forthcoming as soon as possible.

Blod's casting choices, it must be noted, rival their ingenuity in their patheticness.

Arthur Balm................	proprietor (Gavin Blod)
Martha Balm................	his wife and co-owner (Katy Sagal)
Harvey Balm................	college student son (that brat from Dawson's Creek)
Mrs. Abernathy.............	rich widow (Madeline Kahn)
Milkman....................	drunkard (that tall guy from the Cary Drew show??? ask Sam)

SETTING: HOTEL LOBBY

Arthur Balm is at the desk, newspaper in hands. Behind it, clouds of smoke emit. ENTER Mrs. Balm, with an armload of laundry.

MRS BALM
You said you were going to take care of these shirts.

MR BALM
I never said that.

MRS BALM
You said it last night. You said it right before we went to bed.

MR BALM
There, you see? You're a liar. I never went to bed with you last night.

MRS BALM
Is that so?

MR BALM
(Humbly folds up newspaper) I'll take care of the shirts, dear.

MRS BALM
Tuck in that shirt. The clients will be waking up soon.

MR BALM
Right, right.

MRS BALM
Would it be too much to ask for you to put that awful cigar out?

MR BALM
It might. What else are you prepared to add to the offer?

MRS BALM
And shave, too. God, you look like a Neanderthal. Why can't you shave regularly? Then you wouldn't cut up your face so bad.

MR BALM
(inaudible muttering as he folds the shirts)

MRS BALM
I say why don't you shave? It hurts my face when I kiss you.

MR BALM
Men have beards for a reason. Everything in the physiognomy is for a purpose. We outgrew tails because we no longer needed them.

MRS BALM
Some of us.

MR BALM
We outgrew body hair because we no longer needed it--we now have clothes.

MRS BALM
You even outgrew hair on the head, I see.

MR BALM
We no longer fight for our food and shelter--the grocers and lawyers do that for us. But we haven't outgrown the facial hair, and for that reason, I can't help but think it may come in handy.

MRS BALM
Well facial hair was for protection too. You don't need that any more.

MR BALM
(as she bends over to start straightening the furniture) Yes I do, dear. (MUTTERING) If we still had all of our "equipment" visible to the unaided eye, we might be able to avoid many a sleepless night.

ENTER HARVEY BALM

HARVEY
Pop, Mrs. Abernathy is calling for you upstairs. 

MR BALM
(mutters something)

HARVEY
Pop, she's calling for you.

MR BALM
Who?

HARVEY
Mrs. Abernathy.

MR BALM
Why me? What does she want?

HARVEY
She says there's no heat in her bedroom.

MRS BALM
Tell her not to complain--hers isn't the only one.

HARVEY
She says she's tired of complaining about it to you.

MR BALM
Good, then she should be stopping soon.

HARVEY
She said she'd be calling the Hotel Association about it.

MR BALM
All right, all right.

MRS BALM
Seems pretty suspicious to me how you're the only one she'll ask for anything around here.

MR BALM
That's because I'm the manager. I fix the appliances.

MRS BALM
Well that better be the only thing you're fixing around here.

MR BALM
Mmm hmm, yes dear. 

EXIT MRS BALM

MR BALM
It's only the later models I'll bother to fix. Hey, Harvey, why don't you go up and do it? I got somewhere to be.

HARVEY
I can't, Pop. I got classes today.

MR BALM
Oh right, right, classes. Fine thing, classes. I would have gone myself, only I had a family to raise.

HARVEY
Don't say.

MR BALM
Yeah, and the books. Incredible expenses, books. They used to charge me by the page. I bought them with only the even pages to save money. Figured me for an oddball and eighty-sixed me. But I showed them. Eighty-six is an even number.

HARVEY
That's great, Pop.

MR BALM
Oh, it isn't the half of it. There was quite the social scene in my college. Plenty of fine young thoroughbreds in halter tops. With that, I had to deal with the noise, the hollering, hair-pulling and getting my face slapped.

HARVEY
Yeah?

MR BALM
Yeah, your mother dragged me out of there so fast I never got to know the joys of being rejected by the girl of my dreams. Listen, why don't you forget this college nonsense and work for me full-time? What are you studying to be, anyway?

HARVEY
A teacher. I told you that. They've got plenty of openings at the high school. I'd make plenty of money and I'd have my summers off.

HARVEY LEAVES. MR BALM STOPS FOLDING SHIRTS AND PICKS NEWSPAPER BACK UP AGAIN.

MR BALM
Why he'd want to hang around a bunch of snot-nosed, surly hooligans is beyond me. Got all that right here. (ALARM CLOCK RINGS) Yeah, that's the cue. (FOLDS UP NEWSPAPER, GOES TO WINDOW, OPENS IT.)

PAPERBOY(from outside)
Paper!

NEWSPAPER FLIES THROUGH OPEN WINDOW, HITS BALM IN THE HEAD. MR BALM PICKS PAPER UP, SMILING, PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.

MR BALM
How about that, first try today.

MR BALM GOES INTO NEXT ROOM (KITCHEN), WHERE MRS BALM IS STRUGGLING TO GET THE MORNING MEAL READY.

MR BALM
Look at that, dear. First try today, I got the newspaper with no broken window.

MRS BALM
(without looking up) Then you must have remembered the milkman.

MR BALM
What's that?

MRS BALM
The milkman! The milkman delivers today!

MR BALM
Damnation!

HE HURRIES OUT THE KITCHEN, DOWN A FLIGHT OF STEPS. OUTSIDE, THE MILKMAN, OBVIOUSLY INTOXICATED, HAS A TRAY OF BOTTLES GRASPED IN A WAVERING HAND.

MILKMAN
Here's your freakin' milk, you old bastard!

OUTSTRETCHED ARM HOLDING THE MILK SLACKENS, AND THE MILK CRASHES TO THE GROUND. MR BALM EMERGES A SPLIT SECOND LATER WITH A PILLOW IN HAND. MAKES TO CATCH WHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN DROPPED.

MR BALM
Hey, what's the idea? 

MILKMAN
That's two weeks overdue with your payment. No deliveries till then.

MR BALM
What about today? What about this mess?

MILKMAN
Today makes two weeks. You're two weeks behind.

MR BALM
Well I'm not paying for this mess!

MILKMAN
Then you're two weeks behind.

MR BALM
Well how much do I owe you?

MILKMAN
Seventy-two fifty.

MR BALM
Seventy-two fifty, can you beat that? 

MILKMAN
But that's not counting late charges.

MR BALM
Listen, out with it you sauced saucepan-carrying curmudgeon: how much altogether?

MILKMAN
One hundred dollars.

MR BALM
One hundred dollars! For two weeks worth of milk all over my damned back porch!

MILKMAN
You pay today, you're not behind two weeks any more.

MR BALM
Oh, let's get it over with. How much for today?

MILKMAN
Ten dollars.

MR BALM
Ten dollars. (PULLS OUT WALLET, COUNTS THROUGH IT) Say, Benny's liquor store has a special on whiskey today. Ten dollars for a half gallon. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? (HANDS HIM THE MONEY) Here, and here's another ten. Go back and get me another tray of milk, and don't spill it!

MR BALM GOES BACK UPSTAIRS, WHERE IS WIFE IS WIPING THE TABLE

MRS BALM
Did you get the milk?

MR BALM
Uh, no, dear, he dropped it. He's getting some more.

MRS BALM
Then give me the money. I need to pay off the drycleaners.

MR BALM
(FEELS AROUND IN POCKET) Uh, how much do you need, dear?

MRS BALM
Just the ten dollars. I think you forgot to pay the drycleaner last week.

MR BALM
Stuff and nonsense. Uh, I seem to be momentarily light, dear. 

MRS BALM
Where's the money you were going to give the milk man?

MR BALM
Uh, I had to pay him, dear.

MRS BALM
What on earth for?

MR BALM
I er just remembered, dear, that the front desk is unattended. I'd best be over there.

MRS BALM
You don't have the sense God gave a gopher, you doddering fool. You pay a drunken milkman for produce washed up on our stoop, and you forget to pay the drycleaner, who actually delivers us good work. I swear, I should have listened to my mother. And my father. And the priest!

MR BALM EXITS MIDWAY THROUGH THIS HARANGUE. HE CROSSES THE WINDOW AND MOMENTARILY PEERS OUT.

PAPERBOY (off screen)
Paper!

PAPER HITS MR BALM IN THE FACE. HE GRABS PAPER AND STORMS ANGRILY TO THE DOOR. 

MR BALM
You already gave us our paper you damnable miscreant! (RETURNS TO FRONT DESK AND ALREADY-OPENED PAPER) Probably saw the unbroken window and thought he forgot us.

ENTER MRS. ABERNATHY, A MIDDLE-AGED ATTRACTIVE WIDOW

MRS ABERNATHY
Oh good morning, Mr. Balm.

MR BALM
Good morning, Mrs. Abernathy, I trust you slept the sleep of the newborn baby.

MRS ABERNATHY
No, I'm afraid I was tossing and turning all night long. 

MR BALM
Yes, well, you slept the sleep of an energetic newborn baby, did you not?

MRS ABERNATHY
I thought someone was going to look at the heat in my bedroom and get it fixed. What will I do when the cold weather comes?

MR BALM
You could try going home.

MRS ABERNATHY
Oh please, Charles, don't ridicule me such. I can't go back to that cold, empty house with its rooms upon rooms, all that furniture collecting dust. Whatever would I do with myself?

MR BALM
(muttering, staring at her legs and backside) There's a lot to do there...you might need some help.

MRS ABERNATHY
What's that?

MR BALM
Now look here, Mrs. Abernathy, I'm no gentleman, but I know when I'm not one. I can't send you back to that spacious, luxurious, multi-million dollar mansion--

MRS ABERNATHY
Multi-billion dollar, dear.

MR BALM
I say, I'm no rude Philistine, but I am a gentleman, and I won't stand for a woman too afraid to enter her own house. For a mere pittance, I'd be willing to take on the arduous task of renovating that old house into a livable, hospitable abode.

MRS ABERNATHY
You're too kind, dear, but I'm afraid it's just too much of a task for one man.

MR BALM
That's what the mother-in-law said on my wedding day, and look how I showed her!

MRS ABERNATHY
Why, how would your dear wife spare you?

MR BALM
She never does, so the hell with her. Think it over, Mrs. Abernathy. Think it over over a cup of something warm and hot enough to melt in your mouth...on second thought, go right up to your room and let me see about the heat.

ENTER MRS BALM
You'll do no such thing. Get yourself dressed properly and get ready for the morning rush.

MRS ABERNATHY
Oh Mrs. Balm, you are such a lucky woman. You've got a true blue man here.

MRS BALM
Yes, and he'd better stay true, or he'll get plenty black and blue before I'm done with him. 

MR BALM
Don't talk paranoid, dear. It'll spoil the lovely sprintime ambience of your perfect complexion...like a pocket of daffodils ready to blow away at the first headwind.

MRS BALM
Stop muttering to yourself you old fool and pay off the drycleaners. They're downstairs.